Yesterday felt really wrong.
See, I left the house at 3:30 to attend a friend's memorial service.
A friend. My age. 15 years old. I went to school with her in 2nd grade.
And I was going to her memorial service.
..... will someone please explain why I have to say such a sentence?
What had happened was, my dear friend had committed suicide just a couple weeks ago. From what I heard at the time, partly due to bullying.
I hadn't seen her in two or three years, but when I found out, I sat on the couch and cried for I don't know how long. It's an incredibly indescribable feeling... I'd never experienced facing the death of someone I knew before.
It broke my heart that she had come to such a place of hopelessness that seemingly, the only escape was death.
I knew this girl. I talked with her, played on the playground at recess, laughed at her jokes. Everything.
It made me mad that I was there at that service. That she was dead. That so many people's lives were torn by this. That forever, people will wonder, "What if?" That now, there's an aching gap in the lives of a hundred people. That now I'll never be able to give her a hug, and say, "Hi! It's been so long!"
And that it didn't have to happen. That it shouldn't have happened.
How do you go on after someone you cared for is dead? How can you smile again, knowing they left this world without hope? How do you make it make sense?
It doesn't make sense. It's just wrong.
I'm not mad at God. I'm just mad. Mad, and incredibly sad. Bitter? No. Just frustrated.
(The one bright spot: I am 98% sure she is in Heaven. But the fact that her death was something completely preventable.... yeah. It seriously sucked to walk into those church doors yesterday, knowing what I was there for.)
I got all emotional again last night after I came home.
I thought about what the pastor at the church had shared. One of the things she had said in the letter she left, was that she felt unattractive, lonely, and that she wasn't sure anyone would even care if she was gone. She felt like her life was worthless.
And this, my friends, makes me want to cry with anger.
Because she fell for one of Satan's best tricks. To make you think that you aren't precious. And loved. And beautiful. And that where you are, you're stuck, and there's no hope. And that no one cares.
So many people feel this way.
And I can't even begin to say how much this is NOT true.
Y'all, we get disillusioned real easy. Especially when we're young.
I suppose it would be safe to say that everyone has thought about suicide sometime. Most probably never consider it seriously. But almost everyone's had suicidal thoughts. I have. They were never serious. Just a fleeting, "What if?"
But in a day and age where the suicide rates are getting higher, while the age is getting lower and lower, the enemy cannot be allowed to have a single foothold.
My friend. If you have ever thought that your life is worthless, if you have ever thought that no one would care if you were gone, if you have ever thought that death would be better than life.....
You are falling into a terrible, terrible lie.
Suicide is never the right solution to the problem. My friend Sierra thought that no one would care if she was gone.
What I saw yesterday in the crowd of people in the church was grief. Grief at losing her. Sadness, emptiness. Confusion. Her family didn't understand. They miss her. I miss her.
There was hope, too. But it didn't add up that a young, talented, funny, much-loved girl would want to take her life.
But that's how screwed our culture is. That's what happens when we take our sights off of Jesus. That's what happens when darkness is let in with no light to throw it out.
That's what happens when we are not drawn close to our Heavenly Father. We become hopeless, and blind to the truth. Literally or figuratively, darkness will end in death.
It can happen to any one of us.
I don't want to burden you with this. But I wanted to share it, because just by looking, you can never tell what someone is going through. How they really feel. Who they are outside of church, or school.
I told a friend in an email, "
It's almost odd, the way this post went, considering it's Valentine's Day. I'm sorry if it wasn't as concise as I meant it to be... my thoughts and emotions are still a wee bit jumbled.
But all that said: Happy Valentine's Day. Live your life. And don't fall for the lie.
You are loved. You are precious. You're here for a purpose.
You are worth the blood that Jesus spilled for you.
Never forget that.