Saturday, August 2, 2014

The Security of Insecurity

I can definitely say I took internet culture's (namely, the fandom/fangirl world's) cues in this, but in myself, personally, I've seen an over-glorification of insecurities. Awkwardness, faults, things we're not good at or afraid of.

There's an overall flavor of "this is who I am, deal with it, we're making insecurity cool so we can feel accepted in them."

While accepting people the way they are and loving them isn't wrong at all, there's a false sense of security that comes in embracing insecurities and things we're afraid of.

I might be alone in this. *shrug*

But I know I've become secure in my insecurities. They are the things that I have let define me. They are the things that I let dictate how I live. They are the things I have used as a shield, an excuse, a safe place. An excuse so I don't have to face those problems, those issues, those things I should grow in. An excuse for going my merry way and doing what I want.

In some ways, I've let my insecurities take the place of character traits.

The way I'm terrified of interacting with people my own age. Honestly, nothing more scary than a roomful of other teenagers I'm expected to interact and fit in with.

The way I get self conscious about the way I look, different than lots of the people around me.

The way talking to boys makes me really nervous, by and large. I avoid that one at all costs. Or try to.

The way I feel really socially awkward and don't like to get out and meet new people and do things in groups and be adventurous.

The way I don't like certain unknowns, or the pressures of peer groups, or being in different societal groups.

The way I, bizarrely, paradoxically so, am afraid of being different.

These are things I have let define me, in some ways. They are things I have accepted as fact.

And you know what?
That comes back to bite you.

Because as much as you can find security in embracing your weaknesses, at the time you hate them. Again, maybe this is all just me.

But I can get insanely jealous of my friends who hang out with others their own age. And have fun doing things in groups; social events and other things. Have normal guy friends, or even boyfriends. Do things that are totally unique and beautiful and have confidence in themselves - not by being stuck up, but unapologetically being who God has made them to be.

And sometimes I can take that jealousy and hurt and turmoil of emotions and keep them inside. Leave them to simmer and grapple with them privately.

But sometimes, those friends are too close for me to do that.

And what are my insecurities that I burrow in and hate doing then?

They're coming out, at my friends, and instead of hurting only myself, I'm hurting a dear friend because I'm insecure and jealous of what they do. 

It's entirely unfair that I am mad at them for having more confidence than I do.

It's also entirely unfair that I am maintaining my insecurities instead of daring to grow out of them. Daring to see past my issues. Daring to get over myself and change the things I don't like about myself.
Daring to grow up and mature and be a better person instead of envying those who don't struggle in the ways I do.

I've gotten some glimpses of the ways my insecurities could hurt other people.

And my walls I hide in aren't worth doing damage to my friends. It isn't worth breeding jealousy and envy and discontentment in myself.

So, with the Lord's help, I'm going to try and do a very scary thing.

Actually find some confidence and stop using my fears and weaknesses as excuses.
Stop lying to myself. Stop exaggerating my bad qualities and dismissing my good ones.
Show grace and love to myself the way I show them to other people. Love myself as a child of God the way I know I want to show that love to everyone else.
Resist the lies of the enemy and lift my eyes to Heaven when I feel downtrodden.
Be selfless. Stop selfishly wallowing in the ugly familiarity of insecurities I've exalted. Stop giving the enemy footholds, leaving myself wide open for discouragement, discontentment, jealousy, depression, paralyzing bitterness. Selfishness is idolatry too.

My Heavenly Father is right there ready and able to help me mature and grow. He's right there to do it in me - I can't do it myself. I need His help, I need His steady hand, His steadfast love.

"This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him." 1 John 5:14-15

I want love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

I want to look beyond myself.

I want to love others unconditionally.

I want to die to self.

I want to be secure in the Rock of my Salvation, not my insecurities.

I'm confident He hears that prayer.

And I'm encouraged that one day, I'll be better. And even now, I'm learning.